quagmires

Hold onto sixteen

Sometimes I forget I’m a child. I’m still sixteen. Vulnerable, insecure, sixteen.
Can someone explain to me what it means to be a grown-up? Because I really don’t seem to know what that is, and I can’t comprehend it in my tiny brain. Can someone tell me that it’s okay to be so naive and inexperienced? Because making a resume and listing my accomplishments is not unlike collecting a bucket of rain in a desert. Can someone help me feel okay about the fact that the rest of my friends are basically ridiculously driven and smart people, and I’m not?
I used to have this feeling that I was ahead of the game, ahead of the curve, and I knew what I needed to know about what I needed to know about; hell, I knew more than that. But high school and the competitive environment that it is has slowly chipped away my spirits and enthusiasm towards scholarship, and I didn’t even really realize it. Academics isn’t even the important part; it’s the self realization that I’m not great.
I want to believe that everyone is more than capable of doing what might be considered the impossible. Years of discipline and insatiable work ethic can drive even the worst slacker to pick up his pen and write a goddamn beautiful essay. Raw intelligence helps but the drive lacks. I can’t drive myself to the life I want to be a part of.
But is it okay because I’m young? I still have years to figure things out. But I don’t want to be young. I don’t want to be desperately searching for a purpose in life, for what I want to do. Please, let me be old and wrinkly and have figured everything in life out.
Can someone remind me not to wish my youth away?
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4 thoughts on “Hold onto sixteen

  1. Dear sixteen,
    Being grown up merely means taking responsibility for your actions. All of the confusion you feel now, you will feel when you’re an adult. It’s part of learning and growing. If you ever stop being unsure, check you pulse, because you may be dead. LOL!

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